So somethings have come a long way in the 20 years (my sanity for one!) I have been cooking and one of them is the alternative dairy market, which now makes it possible to make an awesome version of this creamy bite of heaven. Or it can also be used to get rid of any and all tension. You will need a big bat and padded room for this one.

For the base

• 300g/10½oz vegan digestive and gingernut biscuits place in a strong bag and hit with a bat until they say sorry for all the times they were annoying and wouldn’t get off their computers, or said it wasn’t anything to with them that all of the toilets were blocked! (sorry kids are on hoilday)
• 120g/4½oz vegan butter, melted in a boiling vat of oil- (must be PMS)
• Optional Ground Almonds (with your teeth, whilest not saying all the things you would like to scream and why not! Well not if you are allergic)

For the filling

• 200g vegan cream cheese
• 200g icing sugar
• 200ml vegan crème fraîche

For the compôte

• Blead fresh Strawberries (or other berries) and pour over when serving

Put the crushed stuff in the base, melt the butter and pour it over, press together, then chill. Honestly just chill, why are you trying so hard, just stop! Buy one, and eat it in the bath. NO wait you have come this far and it really is very easy. Just blend up the rest, chuck it on top and empty a pack of fruit on top and bitch about how no one every notices how hard you have to work, and all the things that you do to keep it ticking over in the background. Then take the whole cheesecake in to the bathroom and eat it all, it is yours after all, you made it!